My 7 year old daughter, after I said "maybe" when she asked me if she could play on the computer later: "I think 'maybe' means 'no' in grown-up language."

My young daughter has heard me say that "I'll rest when I'm dead" on those days where there's so much to do and you are run ragged! At the mall one day, I said I wanted to rest, to which she (then 5) replied: "If you want to rest, you'd better hurry up and die then."

Dear Hubby to 5 year-old: "Do you know what I do?"
Dear Daughter: "You work in an office."
DH: "But do you know what I do at the office?"
DD: "Boring things."

Me: "I need to go to the bathroom." My daughter: "Me too. All the chubby people in the family need to go to the bathroom."

Hubby misplaced his cell phone, so he rings it from landline. It rings in the den. He brings it back to the kitchen looking sincerely surprised and says: "I've got a missed call! I'm going to check who called."

Hubby complementing me on a new haircut: "You look beautiful! Your other haircut really didn't suit you. In fact, it looked terrible!"

Why couldn't he just stop at "you look beautiful"???

I have two kids, and was on the phone with my mother-in-law, telling her that I had just met a mother of 5 who wanted another kid...
Me: "I don't know how she does it."
Mother-in-law: "Some mothers are capable, love."

While discussing helping the environment in a 3rd grade classroom, a child spoke up saying that her dad helps because he drinks lots and lots and lots of beer and they bring back all the cans to help the earth.

"Wow! Trees grow UP?", my child says on their first trip outside Texas where all the trees are twisted and grow/crawl along the ground.

My 4 year old nephew was with his grandmother at the store, begging for toys. She told him that he couldn't get one this time because they cost too much money. To which he replied, "Well we can call grandpa and he can call J.G. Wentworth and get us some money." (There is a commercial on TV during the day that has people saying "It's MY money and I want it now!" and tells people to call J.G. Wentworth for cash payday loans.)