Moms at book club were comparing iPhones. One mom confessed she doesn't own one. "You don't have an iPhone?" another mom gasped. "What do you do at red lights?"

From another mom to me: "But I thought you were younger."

When a friend learned of another's pregnancy, she said, "I thought your butt looked big!"

Before her son came over for a playdate, a cautious Mom called and asked, "Do you have firearms in your house?" I thought she said, "firealarms," so I replied "Yes we do!" When she asked me where they were kept, I replied, "on the ceiling, of course!"

I hitched a ride home with a friend and a woman I didn’t know from a school volunteer event. When I pointed out which house was mine to the driver, she said, “Oh, the guy that lives here is such a weirdo.” An awkward silence passed. “That would be my husband,” I pointed out.